There are only 3 simple rules you will need for using a Squat Toilet wherever you are.
If you follow these 3 simple rules everything will work out fine.
RULE NO. 1: Exhaust All Other possibilities.
If you are truly in need and condemned to use the squat toilet, comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are several thousand miles from friends and family. No one has to know.
RULE NO. 2: Proceed As Follows:
Most stalls do not have toilet paper. The best time to realize this is before you enter the stall. Bring your own. It will be soft and not made of wood. Approach the squat toilet apprehensively. If it is too dirty, choose another stall. If another stall is not available, then, accept the cards that have been dealt to your today. And, pray for better luck tomorrow. This is also a good time to come up with a title for your experience. But remember, it likely won’t be the last! Close the door to the stall, knowing full well the handle has more germs on it than the entire population of small small country! Place your feet on the appropriate foot grids and be careful to maintain balance. Unfasten and drop your trousers and underpants, making sure that they do not make contact with … well you can figure this part out. Grimace and ask yourself if a country with such a toilet could ever be a superpower. Assume a squatting position as though you were an Olympic ski jumper. This is a good time to pretend that you’re not a miserable tourist …. Use your right hand to prevent the soiling of your trousers and underpants by holding them off the ground and pushing them forward and away from any Danger Zone. These will be immediatly evident and so need no explanation!
This is perhaps the best time ever to be wishing you were a kilt-wearing Scot. In your left hand should be the assortment of the following: paper, wipes and anti-bacterial sheets that you intend to use after you are finished with your production. You would think you would want your left hand to brace your squatting self against the stall wall. However, the stall wall is not touchable. Don’t even think about it. You may need your left hand for some guidance anyway. Be sure not to drop any of the objects that are in your left hand as they will be rendered horribly irretrievable. You can also try using your left arm to balance yourself – wave it around wildly rather than touching anything. If you are able to maintain balance for several seconds, you are ready to begin. At this point, the bulk of your focus should be on the quick completion of this task without soiling your clothing or missing your mark or … God forbid … losing your balance and falling. For general aiming purposes keep your head tucked as low as you can pretend that you are a bombardier on a very unpleasant mission assigned to you. If your aim is true you will have the pleasure of …. and if it’s not true … well enough said! But rest assured you will not be the first in either case. After you have completed the main task, DO NOT STAND UP. Remain squatting and miserable. Continue using your right hand to prevent any external contact … with ANYTHING. Place your tissues and wipes in your left hand on top of your underwear and select the items you need for the paper work. Wipe and curse culture simultaneously. All the while maintain this painful and dangerous squatting position. Do not drop soiled tissues. That would be too easy! Sadly, the 16th century plumbing can not deal with such products. Soiled tissues are to be placed in the bin behind you. Without leaving the squat position, twist your body in order to see the bin and make a good throw. Don’t worry if you miss, as it will be very obvious that even the squat-tastic users before you are no Michael Jordans. Once sufficiently wiped, humiliated and traumatized, you may stand and re-underpant and re-trouser yourself. This is a good time to reflect on your life and a good time to begin trying to blackout these last ten minutes of your life as a traveller on the adventure of a lifetime. It is important to realize that the filth-covered flush button is behind you and may or may not work. Next, open the door to the stall and exit with grace! As you make your exit and retreat from the stall and this adventure remember that no matter what, you will likely have to repeat all this more often than you care imagine. But first, wash your hands and be glad it’s over … for now! And you will get better as time goes by.
RULE NO. 3: Repeat Rule No. 1 As Necessary
borrowed from Emmy In Asia with permission and love
